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I was trying to be "edgy" this time, and went googling
John Titor. I say "edgy", because there's still enough
people out there that either actively believe in everything he wrote or are still researching
his claims to call him one of the last of the great internet cults; Zerowing wasn't even
annoying yet when this guy came onto the scene. Saying anything about him would be like walking
into that one friend's house and badmouthing Cobain. You don't do it unless you want people to
hate you. Instead, though, I found something
better.
Today I bring you the
Chronos Time Travel Message Board.
Before you feel misled, this has little to do with the similarly-named square games; you can
find an active messageboard regarding Chrono Trigger
here.
No, here you're going to find, I'll just say it (since being in a minority gives you an
all-access pass for poking fun at it), nerds in their home habitat. There's fanfic and bad science
and postulation galore, and for the low, multiple-time fee of looking at that damn purple and red
color scheme that would make The Joker cry, you can see any and everything related to time travel.
There's even a post on hoverboards.
If you value your sanity, stop here. The messageboard is honestly great, especially if you're
like me and you love just listening to insane people turn things they heard on TV into majestic
theories stitched together with Dungeons and Dragons and just a hint of high-school chemistry
and hard science, for color and flavor. In fact, if you're like me and nuts enough to follow
these things to their logical conclusion, experimentation, this site will provide countless
hours of entertainment and odd looks from your best of friends. Real friends are always happy
to clean up peep-and-cd mess in the microwave even if they didn't make it.
Well, I've hung the "abandon all hope" sign, now let's get to the main site.
Despite their messageboard being hosted on network54.com,
Chronos Technologies at http://chronos.ws has a remarkably
short URL. They also have
9-dimensional theories (that's 3 more than the leading brand!),
detailed instructions on building and using your own time gates, a
cafepress store, a link to the
long now foundation, and even an advertisement for a segway (well, a rotating amazon add; if
you can time travel back to 20:00 Eastern time on Cinco de Mayo, 2006, you'll be able to see it).
Length: Novel. Assuming you already have a tachyon accelerator and supergravitic lense just laying
around the house, you really will be able to build a time gate and know everything about the
denizens on the other side when you get there.
Lucidity: Featherstitched Bagelmancy Incantations. Wow. Just, freaking, wow. This site took some
digging, and it was worth it. It has all the coherence of
timecube, but written in...
Readability: English. It is really, really easy to read. It may have the length of a Tolstoy
novel, but it comes across as something the Doc would be explaining to Marty, or Mister Peabody
to that dumb kid with the glasses.
Annoyance: Giffy. The color scheme makes my eyeballs bleed purple, but everything else is pretty
well done
Accuracy: X-Files. Yeah, it's pure fantasy. But it's well-documented fantasy, peppered with real
science everywhere they could fit it in. Like reading one of those Anne McCaffery books, but
without the gay.
Aside from a Calvinistic causality spiel, this site is pure fun. It's also maddening. He assumes
you read his entire "9-dimensional" theory link, and references it like a comic book everywhere
else. Even though everything's pretty standard sci-fi fare, it gets so involved and his tone so
close to that of the stereotypical hollywood movie professor, you feel guilty when you look at
the clock and five hours have gone by, and even worse when your answer to "how long should I zap
these corn dogs for" takes longer than actually zapping said corn dogs the next time you're asked.
In short, it's crazy, it's weird, it's in-depth, it's batshit insane, and it just draws you in
and won't let you go. If you value your time and sanity, I'll just leave you with a teaser snippet:
Doctor Science says:
To illustrate: If Mr. Swift and his non-accelerated counterpart both were striking identical glass
windows with identical sticks, Mr. Swift would swing his stick thirty times faster, but the stick
would be thirty times less massive, so it would not strike the window any harder than the other
person's. However, Mr. Swift would be able to break his window first, because he could hit it
thirty times in the same time it would take the other person to swing his stick once
Omnislash that window, Doctor Weird.
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