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I realise this is supposed to be a suckfest. I went ahead and promised you an internet garage
sale of paranoia and insanity. But Texas Bigfoot was just too
good to pass up. Yeah, they managed to put together a professional-looking website, and they
aren't really bombarding anyone with annoying midis or gif images that incorporate two frames
of pixelated grapefruits and three frames of third grader's self portraits, but, c'mon, Texas
Bigfoot!
Texas Bigfoot claims to be a haven for Cryptozoologists. Now, I had never before heard of the
word Cryptozoology before just now, so I went ahead and did some research. I am buying it
wholesale and passing the savings onto you. But, before I do that, let's rate the site real fast.
Length: To the point. It may have been written by the kind of guy that buys that singing fish
that interrupts my 3 AM TV, but at least he treats your attention like that kitten that's always
trying to run away even though you left your job and haven't left your room in three days to give
it love literally every second of its life. You poor, silly animal, pawing at the door won't help
you. You don't even have claws yet! Um... er... On with the review!
Lucidity: Left-field. You get the feeling that this is a weekend hobby with these folks, but that
they can still hold down jobs. Sort of like the SCA, but dumber and with fewer low-self-esteemed
former theater student chicks that just happen to be hot and interesting at the same time... which
is pretty much everything the SCA has going for it.
Readability: l337. The biggest problem facing bigfoot researchers isn't, ironically enough, the
lack of evidence. No, after reading this website, I understand it's just that no one takes
them seriously. Even the "UFOlogists" can occasionally get people to cover their rooms in "I want
to believe" posters and take precautionary actions against the sinister "greys". The Bigfoot guys,
on the other hand, get Harry and the Hendersons. Unfortunately, the website's approach doesn't
help. Basically, they hired someone to design their website that failed out of a technical writing
class and, therefore, has something to prove. What he doesn't do is prove anything. Here's a
free sample:
A Yokel says:
A small but continuously growing body of physical evidence now exists, in addition to documented
visual encounters. This evidence includes: photographs and casts of footprints and handprints,
with some of the casts determined by dermal ridge experts to be of unknown primate origin; hair
samples found in association with encounters that scientists have determined to be of unknown
primate origin; and recorded vocalizations that expert bioacoustics analysts have determined to
be of unknown primate origin
You may have noticed the turn of phrase "unknown primate origin" pop up a few times. Now, I'm
no professional etymologist (which is to say I don't get paid no matter how many times I come
up with bitchin' scrabble scores), but I don't think the similarity between UPO and UFO is
entirely coincidental. And while "dermal ridge expert" and "bioacoustics analyst" are technically
correct, there's no good reason not to say, I don't know, "skin expert" or "sound guy". But you
see, "dermal ridge expert" is the webmaster's attempt at sounding like he knows what he's talking
about. He's just full of proactive synergy and an in-your-face attitude. As a quick aside,
he does shoot himself in the foot;
That Yokel:
...with some of the casts...
That's right. Some of the casts couldn't be identified. That means that some of the casts they
tried to get identified, were identified, and probably came from people. Don't worry about it,
Sasquatch guy, you'll one-up those UFOlogists one day, and you won't need to send them the clay
hand your fourth grader made in class to do it. Have some dignity.
Annoyance: Tolerable. In fact, this is one of my new favorite pages.
Accuracy: Adult Swim. Basically, they start out with a monster in the closet, and then try to turn
it into science. They start out with a cautionary nightmare monster kids use to scare eachother,
and then try to turn it into a peaceful forest primate. If you don't believe me, just ask yourself
the question, what is a Sasquatch. We identify new species of animal all the time, sometimes even
new types of lemur. They don't make it past National Geographic. Why? Because they don't come
from your nightmares and aren't hiding under your bed. If we identified a new eight-foot primate
and made sure it wasn't just a Grizzly someone wasn't describing well, though, there would still
be people that would have a problem with calling it a Sasquatch, and would bring in hair folicles
and personal witnesses and plaster casts to prove it. Why? Here's the ugly truth:
Bigfoot is only fun because no one really believes they exist.
And about that cryptozoology thing: It is a real word. A real word whose definition specifically
mentions bigfoot. A real word, in other words, created to make hunting bigfoot sound more mainstream.
That just puts everything into perspective as far as I'm concerned.
That aside, they have one of those annoying right-click scripts, so I figured it would be a good
idea if I just directed you to their photo
page instead. Basically, they have a bunch of bad photos, worse testimonials, and no real
attempts at taxonomy, genetic analysis, or just about anything people who do, you know, real
biology have to put up with.
So basically, the site's good for a laugh, and there's a community full of gleefully insane people
that are probably a blast to hang out with and even have
meetings, if any of you are stuck in texas and don't have any keggers to go to this weekend.
In fact, I wasn't going to do a review at all, until this caught my eye:
A Eunuch named Rick Noll said, shortly after quoting cooler people:
"I will say one thing right now - I am getting pretty tired of listening to the wild speculations
about Bigfoot's intelligence and very little disclosure as to really just how much time and
effort was or is being placed on the task. It seems to be the hot excuse for a lot of
researchers... these things are too intelligent, they know what a gun is, a camera, they can see
infrared, have super hearing, blah, blah, blah."
Here are my reasons for all the failures:
No one is spending enough time in the woods on the search,
Not many know what to do in searching, overlooking things, or vice-versa, seeing things that
aren't significant to the task,
There are not many of these animals around,
They, like most animals who live in the forest, know how to camouflage themselves quickly and
easily,
Most encounters with humans are probably mistakes on the part of the Bigfoot, yet researchers
are trying to fill in the picture with them as to being something significant.
– Rick Noll
Rick Noll is the kind of person I like to call "Fun Nazi". At a movie, he would explain, loudly, in-depth, and with no
humor whatsoever, everything he knew about the characters and how much he just loves the main
character and how he owns a theater poster and ask why you don't own a t-shirt. You shouldn't even be
allowed to watch the movie without one. Got a video game? He's going to sit right behind you
and read the strategy guide out loud just as soon as he gets changed into his t-shirt with the main
character brandishing the final weapon from the game you made the mistake of pulling out in front
of him. He's even got a few quotes lined up, all this despite the fact the game came out yesterday
and he's never even played it before. Basically, every time anyone is doing anything to enjoy
themselves, he's there to make sure they're doing it the right way and wasted half a year's income
in preperation for it.
No one is spending enough time in the woods on the search
I'm pretty sure these people are spending entirely too much time in the woods
Not many know what to do in searching, overlooking things, or vice-versa,
seeing things that aren't significant to the task
It's pretty sad when, after more than a decade of being alive, you don't know how to look at
things or use your eyes or stare in a direction for a few hours.
There are not many of these animals around
I would use the word "any" instead of "many", but again, Rickie's missing the point
They, like most animals who live in the forest, know how to camoflauge
themselves quickly and easily
Since no one has ever been able to get a picture of a forest creature before
Most encounters with humans are probably mistakes on the part of the Bigfoot,
yet researchers are trying to fill in the picture with them as to being something significant
I'll know what that sentence even meant once my head stops hurting.
So, basically, this whole thing was just to showcase how much of a douche Rick Noll is. Basically,
if it weren't for that guy, I'd probably be out hunting Bigfoot with a Nikon in one hand and some
Boone's farm in the other right now. Thanks, Rick. Thanks a lot.
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