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Have you ever had a perfectly normal conversation with someone, and then
had to put up with them going on about how you and he might percieve the
color blue differently? Well, you probably lost contact with that friend
sometime shortly after that conversation took place. Your friend has been
busy. You see, he's not alone in his epistemological quandaries. He's found
friends on the internet who are just as screwed up as he is. And do you
know what he thinks about you?
You're a reptile wearing a latex human mask.
This is the most vague and pointless type of conspiracy. Two things that
make this type of conspiracy unique: One, it usually has little basis in
reality, and two, the conspiracies that do enjoy a basis in reality usually
don't discriminate against normal, ordinary humans who are human beings under
their latex masks and don't turn into wolves or anything. In fact, all you
really have to do to fall in with a group of stray vampires is tell them
you're a vampire. You don't actually have to be one. It's pretty cool, until
you realize the only thing these people have in common and, indeed, want to
talk about is... being vampires.
You see, once you get past the mutual abberation, there's really not much
to these conspiracies. What are their goals? Sometimes they don't even have
any. They're just hard-working reptile people making your french fries and
driving your taxis, trying to make an honest living for their hatchlings in
a world even more cold-blooded than they are. Sometimes they do have goals,
but they're invariably goals human conspiracies could have, and their mutant
powers usually do remarkably little good in furthering these goals. Drinking
blood and turning into a wolf, for instance, does no good whatsoever when you
work in an office supply store, and doesn't win you much support if you're a
Senator.
I want to say something witty or amusing about these people, but what's left?
They do it to themselves. You can't make fun of a guy that walks out of his
apartment building dressed as Gandalf. You want to, but you just end up
having to admire his ability to keep a straight face and remain in character
even at a McDonald's drive-thru.
Don't turn on the iron before clicking one of these links; it's incredibly
difficult to look away once the shock sets in.
Well shoot my Chupacabra and stuff it with oatmeal. We're russlin' up some bigfoot!
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