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We live in a golden age. No longer are things like floods, epidemics, or not winning
the lottery events of chance. Now they're someone's fault. In this day and age, viruses
don't get people sick, people get people sick. Cold remedies aren't invented to treat colds;
rather, colds are invented to cause you to need remedies. A few hundred years ago, getting
the plague would have caused you to endure weeks of literal torture, as a well-meaning
priest tried to beat the illness out of you with burning switches while feeding your blood
to a few hundred hungry leeches, and biological weapons relied on catapulting dead things
into your front lawn. Now, we have cough syrups and calligraphy-laden stamped envelopes.
Unfortunately, the progress isn't across the board; snake oil has become "natural medicine",
and everything good for you this week is the food that's destroying our nation the next.
Everyone's gotta know first aid and CPR, just in case an emergency happens and you're the
only one around who can say "no way in hell, I don't want to get sued". The problem isn't
that medical science hasn't improved as much as we'd like; the problem is that medical
sophistry has outpaced everything. We're just too damn good at lying to sick people.
Laughter isn't the best medicine, it's just the most often employed. We don't know what the
hell we're taking. People switch our pills with placebos, our coffee with decaf, and our
nicotene gum with Wrigley's, just to see if we'd notice. We buy Folger's crystals not
because we like the taste, but so we can tell the difference the next time our "friends"
want to prove a point.
Enter the paranoia
According to a
reliable source, in the year 2003 AD a group of madmen bent on world... um... stuffy
noses invented a disease called SARS. This impressed the dark overlords enough to cause them
to abandon their plans to cause eight active volcanoes to erupt and melt the ice caps or
something else that involved melting the ice caps and buying all the land-well, some of the
land above- ahh, I lost the memo. It was good. But not as good as SARS! SARS, before the
disease, stood for Search and Rescue Swimmer. No more. Now it means evil. SARS was a "social
experiment". What exactly was "social" or "experiment" about it is a closely guarded secret.
What is actually true, however, will shock you in places you won't want to tell
people about:
A bird flu drug named Tamiflu was created by a company called Gilead Sciences. That alone
would be enough to incriminate Stephen King (whose main character "Roland of Gilead"
occupies center stage in his crowning achievement Dark Tower series), but it just gets
uglier from there. You see, the former chairman of Gilead Sciences was none other than
Donald Rumsfield. Can you say conspiracy? If so, you may be qualified to make a geocities
rant page! Not since the days of
the AIDS conspiracy
have the fringe of our societal quilt had this great an excuse to become doctors overnight!
The site I wanted to showcase today,
"Hoodwinked
Again", deals with a lot more than just the bird flu. I picked it as my freshman effort
because he has links covering the ins and outs of
every
different
kind
of
conspiracy
I have a category for. In short, I expect this guy to feed me for a week. It's written by a
Leanord G Horowitz, DMD, MA, MPH. A fun game is to try to figure out what those acronyms
after his name mean.
Let's begin
First, to map out and summarize Leanord's Theory: In 2003, a carefully planned release of
the SARS virus was released into a sample population, in order to pre-emptively scare people
and prepare their bank accounts for the arrival of "the big one". The nation of Canada,
directed by the World Health Organization and the United Nations, in cooperation with
the
Carnegie Foundation,
the Rockefeller family, and the world's leading drug makers (presumably indlucing
Tamiflu), let it happen long enough to scare people
and put out the fire before it could get out of control.
A few years later, people were running out of things to be scared of or something, and the
author mentions links to all sorts of scary stuff from 9/11 onward, but then takes us (for
no apparent reason) to... the 1960s. That's when we thought up the whole thing, you see.
Agent Orange, the Avian Flu, AIDS, Leukemia, they're all the same thing. But, before you
know what's really going on, we're whisked out of the 1960s and into an indeterminate time
frame in London, home of the Institute of Science in Society. A mysterious and unnamed
member of the institute at one time said "Could genetic engineering have contributed
inadvertently to creating the SARS virus", before being ignored by another unnamed
coronavirologist (no snickering), which then triggers a War on AIDS, Drugs, Terrorism,
Cancer, and the Avian Flu.
Still with me?
Enter the Revolution in Military Affairs (RMA). RMA is a TLA (Three Letter Acronym) we're
all supposed to know about despite it appearing for the first time ever on this website.
The RMA is a bunch of no-good supervillians who have "a form of human slavery" using "non-
lethal war agents", spread with mosquitos in a manner similar to the West Nile Virus
(a test of the RMA's reach). Basically, the goal is to turn everyone into zombies.
But before we can do that, we need money. That's where Avian Flu comes in. The Avian Flu,
which is more bark than bite, is being used to drum up sales of Tamiflu, Donald Rumsfield's
wonderdrug. But this sinister hidden conspiracy has an even sinisterer and hiddener side:
Avian Flu is a mutant flu. You see, Avian Flu affects, well, Aves. Birds. To be transferred
to humans, a different form of the virus must be employed. The vaccines are really snake oil,
but the snake oil is really a mutagen, containing "chemicals such as mercury, aluminum,
formaldehyde, formalin (used to preserve corpses), MSG, foreign genetic material,
and risky protiens from various
species of bacteria, viruses, and animals" (oh my), designed to turn us into bird zombies.
I know you may have a few questions at this point. I know I do. The article chooses
to ignore all those questions and instead answer "Why Asia".
Actually, it doesn't really answer that question, it just takes a swim in the deep end for
a bit and talks about the RMA, although North Korea is mentioned once. I guess that's the
reason.
And now, we are treated to the conclusion (apparently saving the premise for dessert), where
we learn that all the organizations mentioned previously begin in the 60s and 70s to dabble
in the leukemia virus, and their nepharious zombie lord ambitions. They then created AIDS
and a few other scary things as tests, all the while filling up Rockafeller bank accounts
and even ending up with ties to... Nazis.
Hold on to your hats, folks. We're not just talking about Bird Zombies. We're talking about
only letting a select group of humanity become bird zombies. We're talking about Aryan Bird
Zombies.
Now, I don't have a DMDMAMPH, so I'm not going to judge whether or not any of this is valid.
All I'm going to do is put forth one final word of caution:
If Aryan Bird Zombies are attacking your corn, you have problems.
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