|
So here I was, making important buying decisions with my money that sometimes result in
me having things I need and sometimes result in me having Count Chocula and a bobble-head
Martha Stewart, when what to my wondering eyes does appear but a bottle of Scope. Now,
before I go any further, I need to explain something: My world is remarkably boring. I
learned a long, long time ago that it doesn't take much to make most people happy. Really.
Just show us your tits. Hell, that makes me happy too. That's a bad thing, though, because
I basically can't find anything more simple than clicking a button as fast as I can to make
asteroids die before they kill my all-seeing-eye with my magic rectangles, well, entertaining.
I just can't. That's the bar. So, I've resigned myself to playing with salt shakers at
restaraunts and occasionally taking all my clothes off and throwing them off an overpass.
It's not that I'm nut-well, okay. But that's not the reason. I'm just bored. I know what
I'm doing is crazy. That's half the fun. But you see, the alternative, the sane, normal, why
can't I be like everyone else choice I get involves watching two guys that make more money
than I ever will if I donate all my organs to science and the black market throw a ball
around in a game they don't care about because, holy shit, they're rich, bitch. Sure,
there's beer, and sure, there's nachos. That's the reason I go to Role Playing Games, too.
But, here's my deep, dark secret. I have no personal emotional involvement in the game.
Well, except Hockey. People sometimes die in that game. I once saw a man take a skate
to his spleen. That never happens in baseball.
So there was this bottle of Scope. And I thought to myself, "Wow. Ha ha. That looks shot
sized".
Now, I've done a lot of stupid things by this point in my life. And I know that people
feel better when you've asked someone for advice. They usually don't know what the fuck
they're on about because whatever I'm doing is completely batshit and no one under the age
of social security should even be attempting that (and that's only because no one lets you
out to do anything once you're over that age). But at least they feel involved, they get to
say "I told you so" when I'm in the emergency room, and everyone goes home happy.
So I bought the bottle of Scope, but I also went asking for advice.
Unfortunately, most people just assumed I was a hardcore alcoholic. I do drink sometimes,
but that's the least of what's wrong with me. My drinking is more a "because people tell
me not to" kind of thing than anything else, but hell, they might be right. I don't actually
care. What's important is that no one knew a thing about Scope.
So, I went to the worst place to go for advice ever, the Internet.
Apparently, the Internet's opinion is "don't do it". When I ask why, I don't get the answer
immediately. I look at the drugs in my Scope individually, and look at the side effects. I
learn that it will not, in fact, kill me (although I am leaving my laptop on and explicit
instructions on posting this to my site in case the internet is wrong), and that most of the
drugs in my mouthwash have basically the same side effects as alcohol. However, it's also
on basically every poison control site known to man. I figure my odds are fifty/fifty at
this point.
Which reminds me, if your sense of humor is as sick as mine, go here:
www.upstate.edu/poison/kids/billie_cd_script.php
This is pretty much the funniest thing on the site. Again, if you're a sick bastard.
Billie the talking CD Poisonologist says
Things that look like things:
soap, minute maid juice
pine cleaner, apple juice
cranberry juice, lamp oil
laxative, ginger ale
mouthwash, red soda pop
diet pepsi, pabst blue ribbon beer (YEAH!)
genesee cream ale, seven up (Win/Win)
Comet Cleanser, Kraft Parmesan Cheese(Lose/Lose)
Windshield Washer Fluid, Hawaiian Punch
Ex-Lax, Hershey Bar (Pranksters, take note)
Moth Balls, Mini Marshmallows
D-Con, Weebs (What's a weeb? Who cares. Pass the D-Con)
So aside from all those accidents playing out in my mind, along with cute Family-Circus
style cutesy-cute jokes involving Billy explaining to mom why he drank all her "diet
pepsi", I am still no closer to knowing the truth about Scope.
Scope is twenty proof. It contains some of the things that mess you up when you drink
Robotussin, and some germicides (those might actually be bad for you). Even if I live
through this (which is pretty likely), I can't reccomend anyone do things I do. In fact, pretty
much if you see someone else doing something entertaining, it's entertaining because you're
about to watch someone get hurt bad and you know it. You're smarter than that. Be a winner.
Laugh at the kid eating the worms; don't eat worms yourself. Sure, he's getting attention,
but it's bad attention. He's pretty much going to go through life from that point on being
bored because he was the kid that was willing to eat worms, and everyone will look down on
him because of it. His life is going to suck,
because adults are supposed to be entertainable with sticks and jingling motions, and he
was ballsy enough to see what life had to offer. If you want to see what that's like,
go into the bathroom and flush the toilet repeatedly. Sure, it's fun the first ten times
or so, lookit it go, swirl round and round, but it wears off fast. Around time eighty
thousand or so you'll get the idea.
Here goes. I'll say hi to Socrates.
And I am... Alive. A bit tipsy, but alive. Woohoo. My breath is really, really minty, with
just a bit of cinnamon. According to science, Scope will now officially not kill you. The
side effects are as follows: Mild tipsiness, inflated self-opinion, telling bad jokes,
and holy hell I am never doing that again. That stuff is horrible. It's like AfterShock
but it tastes so... clean. Everything tastes like a shower. I didn't think that was bad,
but now, my stomach is a virgin again. I need to fill it with tobasco and Dr Pepper and
Reese's and all sorts of rot or I'll ascend right now. Why? I mean, if you're trying to
relive all those nights when you were out with your best of friends doing all the things
everyone told you not to, why the hell would you drink Scope? This is just gonna remind you
of that time you broke your arm and had to spend a few hours somewhere that smelled like that
taste in my mouth while they put plaster around your arm. I went on the internet. There
are actually people that choose to do this for reasons that don't involve boredom.
Boones Farm is a dollar and change at 7-11, and people do what I just did. We live in a
dumb world, ladies and germs. Ha ha. Germs. Germs remind me of the taste in my mouth. I
feel like I just drank a hospital and ate a hearty breakfast of wet whipes and dish
detergent. This is nasty. On a scale of Keystone to Guinness, this is negative Guinness.
Reccomended by zero out of six billion people.
So there you have it. No one, from this point on, is allowed to ask what is wrong with me,
ever. If you don't want this happening again (I sure as hell don't want this ever happening
again), stop making my world so damn boring. You don't need to regulate where people
smoke or what they download or how much clothes a stripper is allowed to wear. Get out there,
dress like a magician, and hail a cab, or I will. I'll do it. I just drank a whole
bottle of scope. I once jumped into a filfthy swimming pool while it was being cleaned.
Taking away all the fun stuff and putting a condom on the world doesn't do anyone any good.
It just forces us to take drastic measures. We're all in this together.
And I probably don't need to mention this, but my opinion doesn't have anything at all
to do with Scope's, and they would probably murder me if they found out I wrote this. They
make a quality product. In fact, pretend I said "Brand X" everywhere I said Scope. In fact,
just pretend you didn't read this. Bye.
|
