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I wasn't gonna do this. Dan Brown sells books; he'd not a wonderful and entertaining
lunatic with a webpage. But, after
not being able to get away from the guy for a few solid months, and actually hearing people
that are not named Dan Brown say things like "this might be the biggest coverup in human
history", I figured I'd take a whack at the guy. However, this isn't a personal attack.
I attack weekly weird websites, and piss off weekly weirdos, but as far as the man himself
goes, I think he's a genius. Here's why:
Dan Brown reads Cosmo.
I'm serious. That's his recipe for success. One day, he had a girl over to his house, and
her obese friend left behind a "romance" novel. He picked up said novel, and noticed a few
things about it:
One: The plot came from an episode of Scooby Doo
Two: When everything gets too sweet and dramatic, boring works as if it were humor
Three: Despite being called "romance" novels and basically being about the relationship
between a man and a woman, there's not a lot of, y'know, hot guy-on-girl action (and
when it is there, it's as if Steve Irwin were describing
sex between a fairy princess and a marshmallow man). If the
characters in one of these novels ever married, they'd consumate their marriage
with a kiss, a handshake, and a chocolate malt, and if they did anything more, they would
spend three hours (out of novel) looking through the thesaurus and picking names for their
body parts at random before (in novel) having their boring thesaurus sex.
Four: Differences between the sexes are brought up, explored, and defer to women, even when
it makes absolutely no sense. Example: "Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order? A
number four? That's so male. Why don't you get a salad?" or "He looked in the mirror as he
shaved, and noticed he didn't have a vagina or breasts".
Basically, Dan Brown took all of this, put in a little bit of fake history to make people
watching the movie feel smart (and witty and topical and contraversial when they take one of the
sides deliniated in the movie), slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and bam, there it was,
dinosaurs, roaming free, watch out for the spitter you fat fu- Sorry. Ahem. Anyway, I
respect the guy, but at the same time I hate him because he thought of it before I did. He
has his name on the book hidden underneath every sequined jacket in every hair salon in America,
because heaven forbid people see you gettin' uppity and tryin' fancy-schmancy book learnin',
and I get a lousy website where I throw rocks at other lousy websites. There's no justice.
That said, I really did like the book and movie a little before I read all the lousy
reviews on his website. Now, the sight of the book is enough to trick my stomach into
thinking I spent the night before filling it with Wild Turkey and tires.
Anyway, let's throw some rocks.
So Mister Brown owns... www.danbrown.com. No surprise.
Just about every single page mentions the DaVinci code. Again, no surprise. No, the real
gem is
the reviews. Instead of my normal formula, I'm just gonna one-by-one these bad boys.
If you want to be able to spew blurbs about the DaVinci code to impress women at parties, you'd
do well to click here
and read no further; anyone who has to listen to a douche blurbing at a party would do well
to read on.
WOW...
Blockbuster perfection. An exhilaratingly brainy thriller.
Not since the advent of Harry Potter has an author so flagrantly delighted in leading
readers on a breathless chase and coaxing them through hoops.
--Janet Maslin
THE NEW YORK TIMES
It's gotta hurt a lot deep down in side when your crowning achievement is on-par with
Harry Potter, you know, as far as great literature is concerned. Don't get me wrong, for
what Harry Potter is, it's great. And it's successful besides. But, she wasn't talking about
sales or success. She was saying the piece Dan Brown spent years "researching", his "brainy
thriller", was written just as well as a coming of age story about a lacrosse playing wizard
and his two bestest buddies. Think about it.
Also, since when was being "led through hoops" a good thing? Opus Deus Ex Machina, with good
old Silas the Albino Plot device, was a necessary evil. But pointing it out is just mean.
You don't walk up to cripples and start talking about how great their wheelchairs are.
If you are a cripple and ever have to put up with that, you're justified in running over
the douche and taking his wallet. I wouldn't say anything, anyway.
I think I'd get along with Janet Maslin just fine; anyone who works that much cold hearted
bitch into a saccrine sweet book review gets my respect.
A new master of smart thrills.
A pulse-quickening, brain-teasing adventure.
--PEOPLE MAGAZINE
A brain-teasing adventure, huh? Let's just... let's just look at the whodunnit, nerve wracking,
mystery-we-may-never-solve part of the book:
A guy gets killed at the beginning of the movie. The killer's wearing a cloak. We don't know who it
is, because we don't know who anyone is.
A professor gets accused of the crime. Dan Brown tells you the professor didn't do it.
We find a hooded albino killer exactly like the one at the beginning of the novel.
If you don't instantly realize he probably did it, Dan Brown takes pity on all four of you
and just tells you. The mystery is already solved.
This looks like a job for Columbo.
This is pure genius.
Dan Brown has to be one of the best, smartest,
and most accomplished writers in the country.
--NELSON DEMILLE
He's good enough, he's smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him.
Get your lips off the cock, Nelson
Thriller writing doesn't get any better than this.
--DENVER POST
They forgot to add "... in my nightmares".
This masterpiece should be mandatory reading.
Brown solidifies his reputation as one of the most skilled thriller writers on the
planet with his best book yet, a compelling blend of history and page-turning suspense.
Highly recommended.
--LIBRARY JOURNAL
This masterpiece should be mandatory reading.
__________ solidifies ___ reputation as one of the most skilled _______ writers on the
planet with ___ best book yet, a compelling blend of _______ and page-turning suspense.
Highly recommended.
Not that that was a cookie-cutter review or anything.
Exceedingly clever.
Both fascinating and fun...a considerable achievement.
--WASHINGTON POST
Reading the book is a considerable achievement, and watching people attack and defend
Brown's straw theories is fascinating and fun. The book itself, though, should be two pages
long and sandwiched in a Reader's Digest somewhere. The more reviews I read the more I hate
the book.
A heart-racing thriller.
This story has so many twists -- all satisfying, most unexpected -- that it would be a
sin to reveal too much of the plot in advance. Let's just say that if this novel doesn't
get your pulse racing, you need to check your meds.
--SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE
Here's a fun fact: Slick at the San Francisco Chronicle didn't actually read the book.
Here's another fun fact: Saying "I don't wanna spoil anything" works anywhere that isn't
school. Or here.
A thundering, tantalizing, extremely smart fun ride.
Brown doesn't slow down his tremendously powerful narrative engine despite transmitting
several doctorates' worth of fascinating history and learned speculation, "The Da Vinci
Code" is brain candy of the highest quality -- which is a reviewer's code meaning,
''Put this on top of your pile.''
-- CHICAGO TRIBUNE
Brown doesn't slow down to have a four-hour conversation with a slide show over tea?
That's bullshit of the lowest quality. That's reviewer code for "stop lying to people".
One hell of a read.
A gripping mix of murder and myth.
--NEW YORK DAILY NEWS
See that, Chicago Tribune? That's called honesty. "Brown doesn't slow down"?
How the hell did you pull that one past your- wait, they didn't read the book either.
Nevermind.
An international chase...a quest...codes within codes. Brown's novel is a pager-turner...
and you'll never view "The Last Supper" the same way again. Favorable review.
--THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR
If you see three or more elipses(...) in a book review, put the book down and back away
slowly.
Don't grammer nazi the pager turner thing either. I'm sure if the rest of the words were
there it would make sense.
Dan Brown's conspiracy-theory thriller is the pulp must-read of the season...an ingenious
mixture of paranoid thriller, art history lesson, chase story, religious symbology lecture
and anti-clerical screed, and it's the most fun you can have between the sort of covers
that aren't 300-count Egyptian cotton.
--SALON.COM
Well, I gotta agree for the most part, although it would have been better if the Professor
were allowed to have at least a little fun between the covers in the book, know what I mean? I mean,
what was his problem? Here's a bombshell, stunt-car driving, code-cracking, action hero
chick who just happens to be the great granddaughter of God, and you didn't even make a pass
at her? Not even a "whelp, gotta go home to my wife, since I'm revealing my having a wife
to explain why I'm not having sex with you at this point in the book". Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
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